Confusion, Colusion, and Criminal Enterprises (just a few musings)

Confusion
Why are emotions and feelings so hard to wrap your head around? Why can't a person know about themselves, their preferences, and their proclivities? Why can't ones subconscious hold a sort of cerebral "press conference," if you will, with my conscious to make me aware of what my heart and mind feels?

Colusion
I find it interesting that people feel that something that they either cannot or will not do by themselves is suddenly more possible, more acceptable, or less immoral when another person will assist that person in performing the act. Don't you?

Criminal Enterprises
I now understand how people can become Kleptomaniacs. I have recently been stealing a lot of stuff from ADX (don't worry, I returned it all) and there is a huge rush associated with the possibility of getting caught. I'm glad I'm not actually stealing stuff to keep, and don't condone it, but I can understand it!



Her Portrait in Black by Atreyu*, Creature by Atreyu*, Breathe into Me by RED*, Blow by Atreyu*, Bleeding Mascara by Atreyu*, Halleluja by Paramore, Empty Me by Jeremy Camp*, The Good Left Undone by Rise Against*

Some music to listen to, rather than to read about

my playlist



follow the link for audio treats

A bad day turned into a good day

Well the day started out crappy, since I was still working on my car, so it was out of commission and I couldn't go surfing in the morning.

But it ended up good since I got my first two vinyls in the mail. The Curse by Atreyu in red transparent vinyl, and A Death-grip on Yesterday by Atreyu in a red and black marbled vinyl. Then I fixed my car. I'm going surfing tomorrow, sweet





Breathe into Me by RED*, prayer of the refugee by Rise Against*, wrapped around your finger by Underoath*

update on my car

so I fixed the water pump and put the car back together. Then I turned it on, and I heard a new grinding sound :(
so here's the story:
while replacing the water pump, 3 of the 12 bolts that held it in place and sealed it, were stripped, so I drilled and tapped them one size larger. I didn't realize it until the car was reassembled, but the new bolts were just a hair too long, so they rubbed up against the timing chain :(

Translation: another day without the car







Right Side of the Bed by Atreyu*, Like the Angel by Rise Against, Final Goodbye by Comeback Kid, Dead Ringer by Rise Against*

What I'm listening to right now part II

Revolutions Per Minute
Artist: Rise Against
Favorite Tracks: Anyway You Want It, Black Masks & Gasoline, Dead Ringer, Broken English, Last Chance Blueprint, and Amber Changing

One-X
Artist: Three Days Grace
Favorite Tracks: Pain, Animal I have Become, Never Too Late, Riot, Over and Over, and Gone Forever

The Sufferer & The Witness
Artist: Rise Against
Favorite Tracks: Bricks, Prayer of the Refugee, Drones, Behind Closed Doors, Roadside, The Good Left Undone, and The Boy's No Good

The Curse (special edition vinyl)
Artist: Atreyu
Favorite Tracks: Bleeding Mascara, Right Side of the Bed, Corseting, My Sanity on the Funeral Pyre, and Five Vicodin Chased With a Shot of Clarity

A Death-grip On Yesterday
Artist: Atreyu
Favorite Tracks: Creature, Ex's and Oh's, Your Private War, My Fork in the Road (Your Knife in my Back)

Well Today Sucks!

Well, yesterday the water pump in my car sprung a leak and drained almost all of the coolant out of my car, bringing the engine dangerously close to exploding. Now I have no means of transportation for today, and to make it worse, me and my family aren't getting along very well, so all I wanna do is get out of the house.
I'm going nuts








Anyway You Want It by Rise Against*, Give it All by Rise Against, All these things I hate (Revolve Around Me) by BFMV*, It's Dangerous Business Walking Out Your Front Door by Underoath*

haha

I just realized that there are about 2 other people on the face of this earth that might have understood what the heck I was talking about. Oh well, I said what I came to say!









All these Things I Hate (Revolve Around Me) by BFMV*, Behind Closed Doors by Rise Against*, I'm Sorry by Flyleaf, Gin & Juice by Snoop Dogg

Isn't it funny?

That things that you once thought were absolutes are no longer true? It proves yet again that I don't really know myself at all. I don't wanna go into too much detail about this one, because its rather private, but ill just tell you that there was something that i never thought that i would feel, but now feel. so I'm intrigued, amused, and confused all at the same time. I don't understand it.

Sorry that this was a little cryptic,
Tim







I'm so Sick by Flyleaf, Tip the Scales by Rise Against*, Dead Ringer by Rise Against*, Down, Set, Go by Underoath, Writing on the Walls by Underoath

Okay, I may have been a little hasty

but im still not going back to the way it was. I hate the fact that people feel that its ok or acceptible for a goup of people who claim to give a s*** to gang up on one person. It's total bullcrap and an utter betrayal.









Down, Set, Go by Underoath, In Regards to Myself by Underoath, Life Less Frightening by Rise Against*

I'm done

I'm done trying to be nice to people that aren't nice to me or I don't get along with, so go F*** yourself

The answers to my music quiz on facebook.

a bonus for all the people that read my blog. I figured I'd give you the answers to my music related quiz since I talk about my music tastes in this blog so much. I know, it's kinda dumb, but oh well.

1. Ain't too proud to beg is by The Temptations
2. Atreyu is named after a character in the never-ending story
3. Tim McIlrath is not the singer of All That Remains
4. Epic is by both Atreyu and Faith No More
5. Pantera sings Walk
6. Flyleaf, with blood comes cleansing and As I lay dying are all christian
7. Riot is by Three Days Grace
8. Just Another Star is by Bullet for my Valentine
9. The Good Left Undone is by Rise Against
10. Cassie is by Flyleaf




State of the Union by Rise Against*, Room 409 by BFMV*, Down, Set, Go by Underoath, Get Out Alive by Three Days Grace

I'm a Tool...Kinda

Blow by Atreyu*

Gone Forever

well, like i told you, I'm now going to talk about it ended



I feel so, much better
Now that you're gone forever
Tell myself, that I don't miss you at all
Not lying,
denying,
that I feel so much better,
now that you're gone forever

So it finally ended when she moved away to Boston. It kind of freed me from this state of on again off again relationship status. I still cared about her though and felt pretty sad when she moved away, but I pretended not to. It worked out for the best in the end. I carried that scar around for a while though.







Gone Forever by Three Days Grace*, Under the Knife by Rise Against, Wake the Dead by Comeback Kid, Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape by UNDERØATH, I'm So Sick by Flyleaf*, Salmarnir by UNDERØATH, Amber Changing by Rise Against*, Bitter Tongue by Comeback Kid, Riot by Three Days Grace*, The Poison by BFMV, Watch Me Die by UNDERØATH

Over and Over

yet another Three Days Grace inspired post.

Over and Over
Over and Over
I fall for you
Over and Over
Over and Over
I try not to

This lyric reminds me of a particularly painful relationship in my past in where we were together for about 3 months and then it was a constant on and off thing. The problem was that I knew very well that we should have been off and not on, but I seemed powerless to end it. I really liked her, but I knew we would never work. However I seemed not to have the will power to end it. But it finally did end, I'll tell you about that later.

Maybe I'll do a post on all of the songs on this album, I've already done a bunch.







Blow by Atreyu*, 4 Words (to Choke upon) by BFMV, Over and Over by Three Days Grace*, Behind Closed Doors by Rise Against*, There for You by Flyleaf, Red Sam (Acoustic) by Flyleaf, Let it Die by Three Days Grace, Animal I Have Become by Three Days Grace, Hit the Floor by BFMV

Pain

(just another disclaimer, this post spawned from yet another song I was listening) but I thought it was appropriate, given new years resolution time.

"Cuz I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all"

once again, someone that is versed in rock would be able to tell you that this is a lyric from Pain by Three Days Grace

therefore my new years resolution is to allow myself to feel pain and grieve and not attempt to be numb. I might elaborate a little more later, but then again I might not.

Happy New Year,
The insecure little boy inside me






I'm Sorry by Flyleaf, The First Drop by Rise Against, Give and Take by Comeback Kid, Anywhere but Here by Rise Against, The Blue Note by UNDERØATH, Moving for the Sake of Motion by UNDERØATH

Inspired by: Pain by Three Days Grace

part 2

Lead Sails (and a Paper Anchor) by Atreyu, Spit You Out by Bullet For My Valentine*, Red Sam by Flyleaf*, Everyone Looks So Good From Here by UNDERØATH

I realized I said photos fortcoming but they never came

so here they are!

Have we been here before?

Have we been here before?
Will we be here again?
I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Anyone who has similar tastes in music as I do may recognize these lyrics, they belong to the song Faint Resemblance by Rise Against. They bring up a good point. Doesn't life just seem like it's completely cyclical (?) at times? I mean, just look at how school is set up, semesters, school years, promotions to higher schools. All of these provide periods of repitition. This year seems pretty much the same as last year, college seems pretty much the same as high school and middle school except a little more freedom. This same old same old is driving me nuts cuz I hate ruts. I wish something would happen to drive me out of this rut. I really don't care what it is, as long as it stops the numbing mindless repetition!!!

Sorry for ranting,
Tim





Faint Resemblance by Rise Against, Fully Alive (both regular and acoustic) by Flyleaf, Chamber the Cartridge by Rise Against*, The Poison by Bullet for my Valentine*, Becoming the Bull by Atreyu*, Salmarnir by UNDERØATH, But Tonight we Dance by Rise Against*, Tip the Scales by Rise Against*

A note for the future

Since it often influences the tone of my writing, from now on, I will be writing the songs that I was listening to while I was writing that particular post at the bottom. Check them out, I'll even put an asterisk next to it if it's one of my favorites.

Rock on,
Tim




Giving Up Hurts the Most by UNDERØATH, There For You by Flyleaf, Epic (covered by Atreyu)*

Turtle reconnects with another old friend

So I went to Target the day after Christmas to buy the CD One-X by Three Days Grace (What a freaking dissapointment that was(not getting it, not that it sucked)). As I walked up to the entrance, I heard my name being called. Sure enough, I turned around and there was Luc Ruiz, a good friend of mine from middle school and high school who was also on my wrestling team from freshman to sophomore year. we had fallen out of contact so i was really glad to see him. Turns out he lives in orange county now and goes to community college there where he also plays football. However, comes back here about every other week, so i cant wait to hang out and catch up!

Let's Start a Riot!!!

well what the heck is Tim thinking. He must've gone nuts, right? Well here are the reasons that this post is titled what it is:
1. I was listening to Riot by Three Days Grace when I started writing this post.

2. I'm really bored. Although extremely destructive and dangerous, would also be extremely exciting. P.S. there have been at least 2 formations of fighter jets flying suspiciously low and close to the house in the last week, which is both bewildering and exciting.

3. April 29, 1992 is my favorite Sublime song

4. I actually am kind of nuts! I mean come on, I'm writing a blog about my many personalities

What I'm listening to right now

music is an important part of my life, so i figured id let you in on some of my tastes.
here's a list of the CD's I'm listening to:

Flyleaf
Artist: Flyleaf
My Favorite Tracks: I'm So Sick, Cassie (both the regular and acoustic versions), All Around Me, Red Sam, and Breathe Today

Lead Sail Paper Anchor
Artist: Atreyu
My Favorite Tracks: Doomsday, Falling Down, Becoming the Bull, Can't Happen Here, and Blow

Siren Song of the Counter Culture
Artist: Rise Against
My Favorite Tracks: State of the Union, To Them These Streets Belong, Tip the Scales, and Swing Life Away

The Poison
Artist: Bullet for my Valentine
My Favorite Tracks: Tears Don't Fall, All These Things I Hate (Revolve Around Me), Her Voice Resides, Cries in Vain, and Spit You Out

Other Random Songs I'm listening to
Scream Aim Fire! by Bullet for my Valentine, Just Another Star By BFMV, Hand of Blood by BFMV, ...Not Forever by Tsunami Bomb, and My Curse by Killswitch Engage

vulnerability

so a couple of blogs ago I said that I "get pretty hurt when people try to make a fool out of me." Let's attempt to examine why. (caution! i have no idea where this is gonna go!). well let's look into my past a bit. Growing up I didn't have very many friends, and the few friends that i did have weren't very good friends. Whenever I had to rely on people, or opened up to people, they would either not come through for me, take advantage of me, or betray my trust. So gradually I found it easier to withdraw from people, not rely on or allow anyone to help me, and didnt let anyone know the real me. After I rededicated my life to Jesus Christ, I found that i couldn't go on that way shutting people out. I gradually started letting people in, starting with my closest friends. The first people i really opened up to were my pledge bros. Its still hard for me to open up, so when people are malicious with my feelings, it hurts even more.

Well there it is,
Tim

insomnia

here I lie awake in bed

all these thoughts running through my head

why wont my mind just shut up

so instead i just went downstairs to play with my pup

why is it so hard for me to go to sleep

the longer I stay up, the more my thoughts become deep

instead of going to sleep, I need to pass out,

and wonder why my body is jostled about,

I know, its a pretty lame poem, but give me a break, I wrote it at 4 AM.

hmmm...? part II

so im a pretty gullible guy, and get pretty hurt when people try to make a fool out of me so if somebody is yanking my chain I would appreciate if you would come clean now. That being said, the tarps were up for initiation, which still is't over but I'm on break now. If this is a legitimate person, I hope that this post hasn't scared you off at all. drop me a hint or something so that I can retain a small part of my sanity, Please.